How to talk to her dad before proposing

You’ve been dating for a while and are finally ready to pop the question – we discuss ways to go about asking her father.

It's the conversation most guys dread. But if you've been with your girlfriend long enough and you’re ready to marry her, you should have some idea of what her father is like, says clinical psychologist Tertia Myers.

“Once you establish whether her father leans more towards traditional or modern views of marriage and engagement, you can proceed accordingly. If he is more traditional, becoming engaged would need to follow a strict protocol as laid out by your traditions as well as hers. When marriage occurs between different cultural groupings, matters of tradition and the procedures to be followed would also need to be settled or negotiated by the families before,” says Myers.

If it is appropriate for you to approach her father directly, then Myers offers the following advice:
• Remember that her father wants to be sure that you will make a suitable husband. He needs strong assurance that you will make a good husband to her and a good father to your children.
• Be respectful.
• Indicate your strong feelings towards your prospective wife.
• Explain your commitment to her.
• Tell him about how you will be able to look after her or how you will be able to build a life together.
• If there have been any difficulties in your relationship, explain how you have learnt from these and how this will enable you to deal with such problems, should they arise again.
• Make sure you also speak of your family’s willingness to embrace his daughter with open arms.
• If he challenges you on your behaviour, admit you didn’t handle a situation well and ask for his advice as to how he would have handled it. This gives him a sense that you respect him and are open to receiving guidance.
• Admit to some of your areas of weakness, but indicate how you are working on these.

5 things you should never do
Meyers points out the below don’ts – avoid these at all costs:
1. Don’t describe your prospective wife's faults and what she needs to improve on.
2. Don’t think that it’s cool to get drunk with your future father-in-law and end up telling him things you will regret later.
3. Don’t become angry if your prospective father-in-law points out your faults or things he is unhappy about in your relationship with his daughter. It is important to handle this as maturely as possible. It is your father-in-law’s right and opportunity to assess whether you are right for his daughter or not.
4. Don’t try to impress him with your family’s wealth; this may cause him to feel inadequate. Rather indicate how you will be able to provide well for his daughter.
5. Don’t speak of previous relationships or compare your prospective wife with your exes.

“It is preferable to be cautious and to find out information from friends or other family members if you haven’t been formally introduced to the father. If your girlfriend has older sisters, for example, you may casually ask about how their husbands broached the subject with their prospective father-in-law and how this was received,” concludes Myers.