This is an open ended instruction manual to all prospective workerbees and current employees;
The intention is to better inform you of what awaits you in the workforce or helps you better understand the person who does your performance appraisal.
This manual is compiled from my years in various industries constantly under the yolk of the “man” or “woman”.
Management has various definitions ranging in description from dictator (being most insufferable) to porridge brains (equally insufferable with one notable exception... the surgically erased lobotomy scar)
To place in context, I come from an audit/accounting background which has the dubious honour of spawning other professions such as consulting as well as providing the economy with 80% of its managers. (Please try to hide your grand achievement, this manual is meant to be functional rather than complimentary)
As a fresh faced, impressionable wannabe CA, you are first introduced to the structure that will rule your waking moments for the next three years. The structure is as follows:
Director
Assistant Director
Senior Manager
Manager
Supervisor
Then... you (the bottom of the food chain, the stuff that the bottom of the barrel throws-up)
(At this point the prospect of money is the only thing that keeps you from ending it all) (Accountant suicides are rather low due to the eternal optimism that beats within all of us, “we will be rich”, “we will be rich” – Obviously Barack couldn’t use this for political reasons. )
At this point you are impressed upon, to toe the line in every respect, follow the rules and most importantly respect the structure.
The enforcer of this regime will be your “manager”, the aforementioned titles become irrelevant as the EVERYONE above you will “manage” you in some way other the other. The titles above are obtained in the following ways:
1) Brown-nosing (applicable even if your nose is not brown)
2) Inability to leave due to a constant paranoia surrounding actually “working”.
3) Rigid, unwavering adherence to the structure and the carrying out of their orders without question, think the marines at Guantanamo...
4) The passage of time, no demotion occurs due the shame that befalls the structure when the realisation dawns on the top brass that you are in fact hopelessly incompetent. Incompetence is a closely guarded secret as management would rather save face admit failure. A MANAGER IS NEVER WRONG, HIS/HER CHARGE IS NON-PERFORMING.
5) Incompetence (There is no comfort like the company of your peers)
6) Intelligence, sheer talent, empathy and competence (Mention last due to it being as common as Hailey’s comet)
Expect the following from your manager:
1) Micro management (Where are you, what are you doing, why did it take so long, why didn’t you do this my way).
2) Complete self belief in their omnipotence (this however, disappears in interactions with their managers, the God complex being immediately replaced with the brown nosing mentioned above as well as resolute subservience)
3) Being indoctrinated into the cult of “Management implies competence”.
4) Ignorance of the fact, that they are where they are, because everyone who knew what they were doing has left to be of use to the world, indicative of “sidekick” syndrome.
5) Incredible hypocrisy, (PLEASE NOTE WHEN YOU BECOME A MANAGER YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT... ABOUT EVERYTHING).
Leaving the audit structure, you now enter the productive workforce and you will encounter the following managers on your journey to retirement or hopefully self-employment: (Please note they will come in many shapes and forms and have titles sometimes beginning with C... CEO, COO, CFO CIO, AEIOU,M.O.R.O.N etc)
The Dictator
Characteristics:
Usually short, achieved title through networks rather than competence. Having not gone through the system, the dictator hasn’t the foggiest clue about, what systems are in place, how long it takes to do anything. This will inevitably lead to impossible deadlines and a constant disconnect with the reality of the business. The dictator was placed there to change it, without a clue as to what “it” is, therefore all changes are cosmetic and puerile.
Vehicle: BMW
The Non-technical manager
Characteristics:
Usually large in girth. These are the people who pass exams by technique rather than knowledge. They are the people in meetings who nod at everything their manager says, even the lame jokes elicit rapturous laughter. This is the scariest kind of manager, the one who is secretly afraid that one day their management will change and the new guy will figure out they are in fact, useless. Also found in generalist services like consulting. Coined the phrase, “There is no such thing as a stupid question”... really?? When preparing a report for these people ensure the format, look and feel is to their standard, as they WILL NOT have a clue about the content.
Vehicle: Toyota
The Salesman
Characteristics:
Skinny and weasel-like or plump and slick as shark-shit. Placed in a management role because someone clearly brain-dead decided that the hardcore salesman should naturally progress to people management. Doesn’t possess the patience, attention to detail, technical skill or memory to manage anything beyond themselves, let alone actual live people. Great talkers, great relationship builders do not great people managers make. Easy to spot as they will never be drawn into intense technical discussion about anything except high-end luxury items.
Vehicle: Mercedes or Lexus
The People Manager:
Characteristics:
Again posted into a management role by prior escapades in brown nosing. May or may not have known what they were doing at some point in their lives, neither of which is relevant at this point because they currently spend their work time listening to skinder stories and revelling in their position of power by mentoring other suck-ups. Dangerous because they don’t have the ability to discriminate right from wrong, they choose to instead believe that everyone is equal, with equal abilities; this condition usually treated with medication in reality but is an all too common infection in the corporate environment. Sometimes occurs in conjunction with non-technical managers.
Vehicle: Audi
The pissed-off Manageress:
Characteristics:
Clearly an exclusive female club. Woman in general vacillate and are prone to being temperamental at times (if you are a woman reading this I’m talking about everyone else. Not you). These types are generally found in male dominated environments and constantly yearn for an award in recognition of their achievements in the face of such insurmountable odds... yawn!! These woman are man-haters and mental castrators for any man unlucky enough to work for them. Only men who are subject to a petticoat government at home, need apply. Might be termed “Iron Lady” but is actually just a bully who hires budgies.
Vehicle: 4 x 4
Porridge Brains:
Characteristics:
Long winded and sometimes referred to as gas-bag. Undoubtedly useless and incompetent, obtaining their job by eliciting sympathy. The person who hired them can’t admit their incompetence at hiring people, so everyone else must and will suffer. Often crying when challenged and more often than not found in environments headed up by woman. Will spend countless hours in the bosses office. Lives by the motto, “ You can’t do anything wrong if you don’t do anything...”
But it is not all unending stupidity and incompetence; good managers, great managers possesses numerous skill’s that the others previously mentioned, the most important being empathy; knowing how to manage people because you have not forgotten that you once stood in their shoes.
Should you be lucky enough to be managed by one of these rare creatures, you can look forward to the following:
- They will understand exactly what you are going through, as they have walked in your shoes.
- You will be challenged beyond what your experience thus far has taught you.
- They will instinctively spot something unique in you and teach you to use it.
- Relationships will be formed, more than work issues and they will not treat you like your personnel number.
- They will come to terms with what is best for you, especially when it comes to you seeking greener pastures.
- They will be able to separate business from their ego’s and agenda’s.
- They practice contingent management, don’t manage everyone in a same manner.
- Most importantly they will be honest and frank with you.
You will meet all the above in your journey, learn from the good ones and learn by negative example from the lousy ones. Embrace the responsibility that comes with management, that is someone’s son/daughter, that is someone’s father/mother whom you are entrusted with.