Where has the age of chivalry gone?

Being a man firmly entrenched in the new BBBEE and women’s empowerment era, I find it increasingly difficult to act the gentleman. Picture the scene: two women, one white and one black, and two men, one white and one black, arrive at a closed door together. The pressing question is: who goes first to open the door and who of the four goes through the door first?

Culture and chivalry meet head to head and an intricate, new millennium dance begins. In black culture, the man opens and goes through the door first to defend the woman from any danger. In white culture, the man opens the door for the woman and allows her to go through first, as a sign of respect. The four dancers about to enter the door are suddenly confused as to who leads and who follows, whose dignity remains intact and whose doesn’t.

It is complicated and confusing as, somehow, all four vie for the lead role. If the black man goes first, the white woman (closely followed by the white man) feels affronted. When the tables are turned and the white woman goes first, the black man (closely followed by the black woman) becomes aggrieved. Irrespective of who goes first, the jostle for second, third and fourth place becomes equally confusing. Businesses all over South Africa need a policy on this to save valuable time, as the corridors of industry are becoming filled with gym-like suited dancers secretly counting “One step forward, two steps back, assume your culture do-si-do”.

That aside, it never ceases to amaze me that so many men have simply not got it yet. Women need to be treated like women, with respect and with dignity. I guess my belief stems from the way I saw my dad treating my mom. I will never forget a holiday with my parents when I was sixteen years old. As my dad and I were leaving the hotel, a young businesswoman in a business suit and slimline briefcase (remember those ones that were only big enough to fit an A4 writing pad and a pen?) approached the hotel from the outside. My dad dutifully opened the door for her, and to my shock she just walked past and said nothing.

“Dad,” I said, “that was rude of her!”

My dad (who passed away a year later when I was 17) just looked at me and said: “Remember this my boy: I opened the door for her not because she is a lady – I opened the door for her because I am a gentleman.” This simple phrase has stayed with me all my life and has, essentially, shaped the way I treat women. Sometimes, I admit, I have failed dismally, but that basic belief and value has shaped me.

Men, when facing the new, strong, independent woman of today, find themselves lost at sea – the tide has changed and the waves are unpredictable. Men and women’s magazines bombard us with multiple opinions and tips which, when placed side by side, are contradictory and befuddling. “Open the car door for her” is juxtaposed with “Don’t let him assume the dominant position, the new woman opens the door herself”.  Who to believe, who to please, who not to aggrieve and who not to tease!

I witnessed a man being emotionally and verbally battered by a woman who was carrying a heavy box filled with training manuals. He simply asked: “Can I help you with that?” to which she growled: “I don’t need a man’s help, I never have and never will! Men are useless creatures, women can do everything for themselves!” One mindset and value affirmed, one torn apart. We can’t seem to satisfy women anymore, but then again, vibrators don’t mow the lawn. A simple “no, thanks” would have been simpler.

On a serious note, I understand the need for independence, the drive for self-sufficiency and the “I don’t need a man” approach. The current personal vulnerable societal circumstances in which we live, corralled by violent crime, change the dynamic significantly. If you are an honest man, you will endeavor to protect a woman from unnecessarily driving at night alone.  Men, but more specifically single women, have become targets and victims of hijacking, robbery and rape. You do not allow her to be vulnerable – period! Just my point of view.

Many men simply forget the most basic things. It may not necessarily be their fault, as they may not have been brought up that way. The media sure as heck makes chivalrous principle available to us and should be influential. The strange looks some men get when they stand up as a woman walks into the room never ceases to amuse me. 

If I were a lion, I’d just hang around all day fathering cubs, growing a beard and waiting for the lioness to hunt dinner. The lioness is the hunter – she brings home the bacon. With my knight-in-shining-armour lion heart firmly beating in my chest, the age of chivalry entrenched in my psyche, Mike the Lion Heart is in search of the Holy Grail. When many men dare to follow chivalrous principles, they get treated like dandelions for following their values of treating women with respect. A lioness with balls fills many men’s hearts and mind with confusion and dread. Don’t get me wrong – we admire strong women, but can we also be strong at times, without the fight to assert dominance? Can we be gentlemen without fear of rejection? We don’t always open the door for you to get something in return!

Guys, get with the programme. Be a real man. Chivalry is not dead if it lives inside of you. Please also remember that being a gentleman is not a momentary fit of madness, it is a lifestyle. This will confuse you again next time when the two black, two white, two male, two female combo kit arrive at the door together.